Oh, so vintage?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

**I've got 4 more complete days left and 2 half days. It can't come quick enough because the shit has officially hit the fan. I'm trying to duck and take cover, maybe I can sneak out quietly. One of my coworkers is being accused of misconduct which is NOT taken lightly. I'm praying for a clean and clear exit that doesn't drag me into the middle of it. I've already typed up my resignation and if anyone gives me any shit I'm just going to smile and hand it to them.

**I can't WAIT to spend my holiday weekend at the lake. I am totally looking forward to doing absolutely nothing but relaxing this weekend.

♥Oh, so vintage... 10:13 PM

**I've got 4 more complete days left and 2 half days. It can't come quick enough because the shit has officially hit the fan. I'm trying to duck and take cover, maybe I can sneak out quietly. One of my coworkers is being accused of misconduct which is NOT taken lightly. I'm praying for a clean and clear exit that doesn't drag me into the middle of it. I've already typed up my resignation and if anyone gives me any shit I'm just going to smile and hand it to them.

**I can't WAIT to spend my holiday weekend at the lake. I am totally looking forward to doing absolutely nothing but relaxing this weekend.

♥Oh, so vintage... 10:13 PM

My Ex-Future Sister-in-law Misty tells me yesterday she's getting married on July 8th and wants me to take the pictures. Now I'd be all fine and dandy with the prospect except for the fact that I'm fully aware that Brian will probably be there. I'm not quite sure how to handle the situation. There is only one other person on this earth that I never wanted to see again and that's my former best friend and Jessica's ex-husband Kevin. Granted I have a bit of time to go before that wedding I still don't know if I can handle seeing him. It doesn't bother me to think of him, or anything like that, but I think I would breakdown if I saw him there with someone else. I know I would right now anyway. Because sometimes not knowing the truth allows you to handle your circumstances much easier. I'm perfectly content with the idea of never seeing him again. It's seeing him again that scares me more than anything else right now. I think it's because I know that nothing short of a complete miracle could change anything at this point. I don't want a miracle. I want it to be over. Plain and simple.

♥Oh, so vintage... 10:06 PM

Monday, May 22, 2006

Dream a Little Dream of me...
I had a dream last night. Of course it was about Brian. Some reason it's just stuck with me ALL day and made me sad. I dreamed that he came home and acted like nothing was wrong. I was freaked out and he asked me why. He got a startled look on his face and then he asked me if I'd been seeing anyone. When I told him yes he just started crying. He said he knew that would happen if he left and that he never should have left me. I just sat there listening to him and staring out the window at the rain.

Turns out that the rain is symbolic of tears and unresolved emotional issues. Interesting.
Now if it would only go away.

Baby, I won’t forget you
Baby, I never think I could
I was reckless leading you to believe
You were careless when you fell for me

♥Oh, so vintage... 10:03 PM

Sunday, May 21, 2006

T-Minus 10 and counting...

This weekend was fabulous! I got to see Sara and Heather! WOOHOO!!! I missed you girls so much and I'm so glad y'all called me and saved me from another boring night at home on the couch.

I bought the new Micky and the Motorcars CD and I LOVE it! I haven't taken it out of the CD player yet.

I had an epiphany on the way home today that since I'm staring at unemployment very soon I need to become my Mother's personal assistant. Doing everything that she doesn't have time to do. She loved the idea so we sat down tonight and worked out a duties list. I think it will be fabulous.

I'm headed to the lake this weekend for the holiday and Joshua is supposed to go with me. That should be interesting. I stayed with him last night and it was the first time I'd ever been to his house.

♥Oh, so vintage... 10:14 PM

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I've taken a vow of celibacy. That and I've sworn off any sort of relationship with the opposite sex that involves anything more than 1 phone call a week. I'm tired. They've worn me down and I just don't have it in me to fight at this particular moment. I think I'm going to get a padlock for my gate and change my phone numbers.
I think boys are dumb and I think Josh is incredibly confused about our all important vital "friendship" he treasures so much. Just when I had really gotten comfortable with him and began enjoying the no pressure relationship we'd developed, he goes and does something stupid that confuses me and leaves me questioning his sanity. I love him dearly but that boy is so difficult sometimes. I often wonder if I'm that difficult and I'm just oblivious to it.
I will forever wonder if it's possible for two people of the opposite sex to just be friends.

Harry Burns:Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

♥Oh, so vintage... 10:08 PM

Don't be afraid that your life will end,be afraid that it will never begin.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

just a little inspiration for the day.

♥Oh, so vintage... 9:58 PM

Matisyahu, check it out...

Because everybody could use a little God, especially from a Jewish Reggea Rapper who possesses retro Beatbox skills like no other.

♥Oh, so vintage... 9:41 PM

Monday, May 15, 2006

All the baggage in your past Don't leave much room for a girl like me to be...

The day I somehow knew would come yet tried to vehemently deny to myself came and went last friday. My cell phone was dead all day and had been off. I picked up the house phone to call my mom and I checked my missed calls. There it was. The number I'll never forget. The number I knew immediately, but checked on my phone bill just to be sure. Why he called I haven't a clue. There was no message. Once again he only left behind a trace of his existence. I small yet vital remnant of love lost. A love broken by unseen forces that I will never know. Although it feels like ages since I've seen him or heard his voice it's only been two months. It seems impossible that it even happened, short of the leftover t-shirt, misplaced beanie, and a few pictures. I can't say that I don't miss him. I didn't even flinch when I saw his number. Not like how my stomach did flips till I was sick every time I saw Jason after we split (all 5 times). I guess I knew the day would come that in some way, shape, or form his presence would touch my life. In all honesty, I still sleep with the stuffed animal he got me for christmas (that is when I can bring myself to sleep in my bed). I keep our picture in my desk, albeit turned around backwards. And I still have an "I love you" written on the windshield in my car. I'm no longer curious about what might have happened or why it fell apart. Deep down when I packed his shit I knew I was done and I knew it was for the best. I can't explain all that I've learned from it because truly I'm still learning. I thank my Amy for telling me today how she watched an already strong amazing woman turn into someone who is even stronger and more amazing. I'm sure I'm not finished with the last tear yet, but I know that everyone I shed is closer to the end. And somewhere deep inside I still love him and always will.

♥Oh, so vintage... 9:57 PM

I really dislike my job, just in case you haven't caught on to that already. Sadly it's made me question whether I really want children or not. Which is amazing because I've always said I wanted 5 kids. Not so much becuase I don't like them, because I truly love the little darlings, but I can't imagine being responsible for their raising. I don't want to be the person who screws my kid up like all these parents have. My heart breaks on a daily basis for one reason or another. People should have to pass a test before they can reproduce. There are some really horrible people in this world who never deserve their kids.
I'm getting ready to leave them. I don't know that I've really thought about how much I'm going to miss them yet because at the moment they're just getting on my last nerve. But I'm sure I will. The ones who know are already pissed at me for leaving them, but I've got to. If I don't do anything else for them I hope I at least set an example and show them that you should never settle and give up on your dreams. If I stayed at that job that's what I'd be doing, settling. Not living up to my full potential. I'm a firm believer that God places you where you need to be at the time you need to be there. My work is done. I could not be more assured of that. As a matter of fact I think my job was done there awhile back.
So I keep thinking about the life that lays ahead of me. I've been given a second chance. I get to go back to college. To a school I LOVE, to a faculty I love and to friends I've dearly missed. I feel like my life is in complete upheaval, yet at the same time I have a sense of resolve I haven't felt in years. Actually I'm not sure I've ever felt it.

♥Oh, so vintage... 9:44 PM

I really dislike my job, just in case you haven't caught on to that already. Sadly it's made me question whether I really want children or not. Which is amazing because I've always said I wanted 5 kids. Not so much becuase I don't like them, because I truly love the little darlings, but I can't imagine being responsible for their raising. I don't want to be the person who screws my kid up like all these parents have. My heart breaks on a daily basis for one reason or another. People should have to pass a test before they can reproduce. There are some really horrible people in this world who never deserve their kids.
I'm getting ready to leave them. I don't know that I've really thought about how much I'm going to miss them yet because at the moment they're just getting on my last nerve. But I'm sure I will. The ones who know are already pissed at me for leaving them, but I've got to. If I don't do anything else for them I hope I at least set an example and show them that you should never settle and give up on your dreams. If I stayed at that job that's what I'd be doing, settling. Not living up to my full potential. I'm a firm believer that God places you where you need to be at the time you need to be there. My work is done. I could not be more assured of that. As a matter of fact I think my job was done there awhile back.
So I keep thinking about the life that lays ahead of me. I've been given a second chance. I get to go back to college. To a school I LOVE, to a faculty I love and to friends I've dearly missed. I feel like my life is in complete upheaval, yet at the same time I have a sense of resolve I haven't felt in years. Actually I'm not sure I've ever felt it.

♥Oh, so vintage... 9:44 PM

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Update this bitch
although I don't really know why I bother anymore. Sadly I don't ever feel like writing anything down anymore.
but anyway...
*I've got 13 days of work left
*I start Calculus in 3 weeks
*I'll be unemployed in 3 weeks
*I got a MOVIESTAR haircut and I look fabulous
*I've got a great tan because I obviously have too much leisure time
*Kimmie's wedding last weekend was beautiful!
*I spent a beautiful day at the lake yesterday
*I had a missed call on my home phone from that Asshole Ex of mine Brian
*I'm ready to go to Florida
*Amy made cheese dip and I left the semi-empty container in the sink all weekend and it STINKS
*I need to do laundry and clean my house because I spend too much time playing
*Jess and I started planning her wedding last weekend

♥Oh, so vintage... 5:18 PM

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Won't you smile for me my Texas Angel...
Pammy
Pammy was the girl that everyone wanted to be, wanted to date, or wanted to be friends with. She was beautiful, SMART, funny, and such a vibrant person. She and my best friend from High School Jamie, moved in together a few years ago. They had a duplex in Baytown, Pammy had a great job at exxon at the time. A mutual friend of ours said about a week ago she was working at a bar in Dayton. Yesterday I heard she wasn't doing well. I texted Jamie today to ask how she was. She called my back and told me that her body just couldn't fight anymore and that she passed away yesterday.

Last monday morning during second period I was told by the girls that one of our former students had gotten in a bad wreck that morning and didn't make it. He was the older brother of one of my current favorite students. A boy that I got stuck with a few months ago because none of the other teachers could deal with him. I love him to death. He hangs out with John Long and Peanut and their "deerlease" is right next door to John's. He's a country boy through and through. One of those who wears boots that are bigger than he is. I don't know how you deal with losing a sibling. I watched our student body all week, devestated, sad, and litterally lifeless. The funeral totalled over 700 people. I didn't know what to do for them so I sat and listened. Listened to their tears, listened to their funny stories, all their memories of their precious friend whom they loved so dearly. In a community like ours where everyone is related or friends, or neighbors such a loss if felt deeply.

I'm tired, and I'm sad, and I'm alone. I'm ready to start over with a brand new week tomorrow.

♥Oh, so vintage... 8:23 PM

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