Oh, so vintage?

Saturday, June 24, 2006

I swear Soccer is like the European white trash sport. Sorta like Nascar here in America. If you are a fan of either no offense. I'm pretty sure there aren't too many blessed individuals in this country who don't have the white trash branch of the family tree so no need to worry.
p.s. I'm a fan of neither. However, I spend way too much time drinking beer and hanging out at the river or the bar. So this is my disclaimer. In no way am I stating that I am free from the white trash branch.

♥Oh, so vintage... 11:29 PM

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

It ocurred to me yesterday on the way home from school that Men rarely if ever marry beneath themselves. However, women almost ALWAYS marry beneath themselves. Women are simply and sadly unaware of this misfortune. I've come to realize that men spend most of their time praying to god that the amazing woman they are with NEVER realizes her own self worth. They count on the fact that they have low self esteem, or are so hungry for that perfect relationship to "fulfill" themselves that they will settle for any average joe that comes along. Or in far too many cases and selfish pig that looks at them twice and offers them a beer.
I'm constantly amused at the endless flattery I receive from Brian and the fact that it's all talk. He says the most amazing things about me yet his actions speak volumes and they seem to say "I'm the only thing I give a shit about". It all boils down to his happiness, not mine, not ours, but his. HE was the one who was unhappy without me, HE was the one who missed me, HE was the one I kicked out. But never once has it been about me, about the pain I went through. The times I called Amy to come pick me up from where ever I was because I was crying so hysterically I couldn't drive. From his viewpoint, not that he's said it outright, I brought that all on myself for kicking him out in the first place.
I haven't spoken to him since Sunday morning to wish him happy father's day because he doesn't have a phone charger with him. He's staying with a friend in Conroe for work because they are riding together and he gave me that phone number. I honestly don't feel comfortable calling him there and I am of the opinion that if he wants to talk to me he can call me. He knows all my numbers. I'm just happy his ass has a job at this point. I suppose that he's doing well (right now) trying to prove himself to me. I just laid in bed night before last thinking of all the reasons this is never going to work and last night I went to bed missing him so badly I slept with his pillow. So what's a girl to do? Listen to her heart, or her head?

♥Oh, so vintage... 9:11 PM

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Monday, June 19, 2006

Two by Two...

My feet haven't been dry in 3 days and I'm sick of being wet and cold! I'm going home today to build an ark. I suppose I could just roll some logs under the trailer like those crazy Alaskans and have a "yacht" that would rise and fall with the sea. Well except mine would rise and fall with the backwater. HAHA!

"It's not a yacht if you get your mail there. It's more like a trailer park of the sea"

♥Oh, so vintage... 12:21 PM

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Friday, June 16, 2006

The things that make my house a home...
are many. I've never posted any pics of my little piece of heaven down in the bottoms because I don't know that I've ever taken any, haha. I do however have a few that I've taken around the house of the things that make me happy and the things I love about my home.
My Miniature Roses

My Butterflies

My yard Gnomes

My Fence Posts

♥Oh, so vintage... 2:39 PM

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MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET...
And oh how I do love him. haha, well I did at one time anyway. So who's to say there's no such thing as miracles? And who's to say people can't change. Sometimes we neglect to tell them they are doing something wrong in the first place.
So Brian and I have been back on speaking terms for a few weeks now and I suppose things are going well. I've been particularly unconcerned with the whole ordeal honestly. Which is good for me, bad for him. Sometimes getting over someone takes your focus from all the things you loved about a person to all the things you hated. So when you think about all these things and magnify them and scrutinize them to justify your breakup, it's easy to stop liking someone. Well, easier anyway. It is however, hard to stop loving them. Because face it, even though we don't like our friends and family on occasion, we still really really love them deep down (that is unless we delete their phone numbers from our phone books). I find myself still loving him, yet not liking him as much. The smallest things cause me to get irritated with him. Apparently my "hostility" has been a little much for him because he said it was getting a bit excessive. Personally I think I'm taking it easy on him. However, I can see his point because if we're going to give it a second chance then we need to wipe the slate clean, drop the grudges and get on about business. This is easier said than done of course because we are reluctant to let go of the things that hurt us so much. We tend to grab onto them with gusto in an effort to protect ourselves from experiencing similar future problems.
I find myself at a crossroads. Asking if it's worth it to jump back in with reckless abandon and love him unconditionally, or do I throw up my guard and run like hell? Or possibly go with a happy medium. Giving him ample opportunity to redeem himself, and giving myself opportunity to regain his trust. Because he of course is the victim in this situation. As you should have already known by the simple fact that he is a man. He feels that I threw him out and never spoke to him again whereas I feel that he up and left me and moved to Austin. We found ourselves in a situation where both of us let our pride get in the way because we were too damn stubborn to look past what everyone else had done to us and allowed it to destroy anything we had left to work with. I say easy does it. We'll see what he can do and if he can step up to the plate.
Since I was a little girl I always said "this is my life and any man is welcome to come along for the ride if he can keep up" Otherwise he can go to hell ;)
I found myself all too quickly ignoring this and compromising in too many relationships and hurting myself in the process. So I'm pledging to be true to myself and stick by those words for the rest of my days. Well as close as I possibly can anyway :)

♥Oh, so vintage... 1:49 PM

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Friday, June 09, 2006

The Definition of Me...

Have you ever asked yourself just what it is that defines you? What is your essence? What is that special spark that sets you aside from the crowd? What do you say when someone asks you "what are you?" Knowing that with this question they are implying that they want to know your profession, not your species. I bet your answer would be something along the lines of oh I'm a salesperson/teacher/fire-fighter. You know all those great things that we all wanted to be when we grew up as kids. I bet your answer wouldn't be, "Oh, me? I'm a dreamer." Or an artist, or Music lover. But really and truly our jobs shouldn't define us. I see all too often that people do allow their job to define them.
When people asked me such questions it was hard for me to tell them I was a teacher. Not because it's not a respectable profession, or that reflects badly on you in any way, but because I knew that it wasn't me. I knew that I got up every day and put on clothes I didn't like and went to a job that disgusted me and pretended to be someone I was not. Although I tried very hard for awhile to fit the mold and to conform, I knew deep down I never could. I never have been able to, why would I all the sudden be able to pull off such a masquerade at the age of 23?
So it was a week ago today that I put in my last day of work with the children I truly hold dear and said farewell to the phony life I had built around me. It wasn't without tears because face it, change is hard sometimes no matter how welcome. It was a day of deep emotional turmoil for me because not only was I closing a door and taking a HUGE leap of faith, my cat died, and I was just worn smooth out. For lack of a better word I'm stealing Amy's, I was EXHAUSTED. But I've never let that stop me before and I've never really let anything stand in my way except fear.
Fear
It's a nasty word that many people never confront, many people confront it on a daily basis, and I suppose there are a few that never know it. It was brought to my attention last Thursday that I had allowed fear to define me. Not my job, not my circumstances, but an emotion. An emotion, an intangible emotion. How can something we do not see, do not hear and cannot touch shape our lives and dictate our decisions? It's easier that most of us would care to admit or ever even want to realize.
I have been told in the past that I was admired for my passion. I was reminded of this Sunday at church while we were singing in praise service. Jenn leaned over and touched my arm and told me that verse about passion reminded her of me. I instantly teared up and was deeply touched. What is passion? Passion is defined as a strong feeling or emotion. I've never thought about it much till now but this is definitely something that defines me. I don't have plain old pointless laid back emotions. I either love it or hate it. I rarely have gray area in my life when it comes to my emotions. It is always with passion that I throw myself into life.
So when did fear replace passion and when did I allow this to happen. Was it one night when I was sleeping? Did a dream come in and steal my passion replacing it with this parasite? Really does it even matter when it happened, or how? The point is to move forward. We cannot change the past we can only affect the future. I was told that it was time to take the bull by the horns. That I was not in a holding pattern I was in a get up and go pattern.
Now I have to face what I've been afraid of. Apparently I've been afraid of the very thing that makes me who I am. I've been afraid of my potential, my creativity and my ability to make it on my own. I've been doing just enough to be good at something without being dynamite. I've given 80% when I should have been giving 100%. There is a safety in being mediocre, or even just good at something. There is an unbelievable safety in being bad at something. Because then we know that when it comes to crunch time no one will ever expect us to step up because we've never been able to before, why should be now. I'm tired of being safe. Safe doesn't agree with me. I've realized in the past few months that I'm spontaneous, I'm fun, and sometimes, I may be a bit rebellious. I've also realized that I've been denying those things for too long and that I truly deep down love those things about me. I'm coming to a place where I'm ready to embrace them and allow them to be what they will be and allow them to take me where they will.
It's time to stop avoiding myself. It's time to be who I am. Time to take initiative and throw myself out there. Maybe someone should hear my songs, maybe they should buy my jewelry and maybe they will love my photography. Maybe not. But that is a chance I'm going to take. Not because I'm ready, because truly, who is ever ready? But because it's time.
So today I redefine myself. No matter what job, or jobs I choose to do in my future I will always and have always been an Artist. Plain and simple.

A special lady recently told me I was a butterfly...And then she said...
"No one ever says wow, what an ugly butterfly"
And this I will learn to embrace.

♥Oh, so vintage... 2:36 PM

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HOLA!!!

Transitions, Definitions, Expectations, and plain old CHANGE are in the air baby! I've got tons to say, tons to write and too little time to do it all in. So of course I'm giving the quick rundown as usual with a promise to elaborate on each topic as time sees fit.

Last Friday...
my kitten got run over. Poor little Lulu
I cried all day long
I went to Graduation

Last Saturday...
I quit my job
Packed up all my shit
Went to a graduation party
Played with my boys who are in from P-Cola
Went to dinner with mi familia
Came home and visited for awhile with the rents
Got a phone call at 11:30 from Brian
yes you read that correctly
Called him back
Went to visit

Last Sunday...
Got up and went to church with Brian
Came back and had lunch with the family
Went to Keri's baby shower
Fell asleep on the couch attempting my Calculus homework

Last Monday...
went to Calculus
Short little Chinese man with a terrible accent teaches it
came home and worked for mom

Last Tuesday-Thursday...
Went to school, blah blah blah
Went swimming at the river with Misty and Brian
Went out last night for James's b-day
Got WAY too drunk
Got a great phone call from Sara! Thank you!!!

Today I'm nursing a hangover and a sick car that broke down on my way home.
Going to spend the afternoon pricing for tomorrow's garage sale with the girls.
Tomorrow, Garage sale, lakehouse and beer.

♥Oh, so vintage... 1:47 PM

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Monday, June 05, 2006

Here you go Sara

Five things in my fridge:
1.Sunkist-light
2. Homeade Ranch Dressing
3. Fruit
4.lunchmeat
5. Stuff that should be thrown away

Five things in my truck
Only 5???
1. A pat o brians hurricane glass
2. A shot glass
3. An empty lonestar can
4. too many scratched CDs
5. LIPGLOSS!

Five things in my closet
1. My dressing table
2. My make-up
3. Shoes
4. Jeans
5. Purses

Five things in my purse
1. checkbook
2. wallet
3. LIPGLOSS
4. A few pairs of sunglasses
5. A pen

Okay...everyone I know has already been tagged, so what do I do about that?

♥Oh, so vintage... 5:16 PM

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Sunday, June 04, 2006

OMG! this calculus lesson I missed last week is BS! I start tomorrow, wish me luck!

♥Oh, so vintage... 9:57 PM

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