Monday, November 25, 2002
How is it that I've lived my life for 22 years with absolutely no regrets and then one day it hits me that I've made this HUGE mistake? I didn't make it until after I was 22 so I guess that maybe 22 years isn't such a bad run, but this 23rd is kicking my ass already. The worst part is that this mistake was made because I was scared. I can't believe that I let fear ruin something this big for me. Where was I on this one!? I hid behind the stupid games that people play, I let my opinionated mouth get the best of me. Instead of stepping up to the plate and being myself, I became a 'reaction' to certain events. Instead of saying what I thought, I took what I thought and altered it into what I thought would be acceptable, NOT ME AT ALL. I NEVER do this, and now I've realized what a massive mistake it was. I should have been myself, should have sucked it up, gone with my instincts instead of spending every minute analyzing the signs, taking cues from an assumption. Now that I look back I want to kick my own ass for being so selfish and full of pride. What the hell was I scared of in the first place? Looking back, I don't know. I don't think I can fix it either, I've already tried, I swallowed my pride, got down on my knees and practically begged. When you have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain, this isn't so hard anymore.
But still no results, and now I'm at a loss. Thinking back on all that self analysis and all the games, you would have thought that I had learned a little more. However, I still can't think of the one thing that will make it right. Such a delicate situation calls for the PERFECT apology, correct? Although the last was pretty impressive, I obviously didn't get my point across. Sometimes the message can get lost in too many words. So in an attempt to be eloquent I think I only worsened the situation. I'm not sure if coming right out with it is going to help any either, but like I said, nothing to lose. We're just people right? Maybe the situation wasn't handled in the best possible way by any parties involved, but in the end you have to live with your actions, not others. So maybe I'll be criticized for taking too much heat, or not standing up for myself, but I don't see it that way. Sometimes a little patience can work a miracle, and letting your anger get the best of you can totally destroy that. The worst part is knowing that you 'knew better' in the first place. You knew you were stronger, and more able to deal with the situation. Yet out of selfishness you turned your back in an attempt to "stand up for yourself." So now that my inner peace is gone, and I've sold my soul with scathing words, I find myself very alone with my thoughts and regrets.
♥Oh, so vintage... 3:37 PM
