Saturday, September 27, 2003
Today is one of those in which I hate my life. That is not to say that I don't want to live. It's simply that I question all that I have created and surrounded myself with. I could ask advice, but what good would it be. None. Because when someone gives you advice it's simply a statement of what they would do for themselves. No one thinks alike so why would one person's advice work for you? I want to go. I don't know where, but I know that wherever I went, the isolation and pain wouldn't be as bad. It's not as hard to be alone when you are truly alone as it is to be alone in a crowd. That is possibly the most isolating feeling on earth. People of course would argue with you about that and tell you that it is your own fault for feeling isolated. When they do this they fail to realize they are further isolating you with their severe lack of understanding. What good is advice when you already know what the person is going to say anyway. Where is the comfort in that? Where is the comfort period? I'm ready for the cold weather to come because my fire has burned out. I know that you can't understand because you never felt the heat anyway. I feel cold, not frozen, but very very cold. As if someone had shoved me into a hole in the ice and the water had frozen back over me so that I could not escape. Then they expected me to live and breathe and function as normally as they. Only they don't know but they aren't getting oxygen either because they don't even know what the true oxygen is. I sometimes think I'm alien to this world because I don't understand the pain. I don't know why people act the way they do when it seems so obviously wrong to me. Of course maybe I'm just blind to my own actions as well. But are they actions, or simply re-actions to those perverted actions of others? Do you realize there is no relief? There is safe place, you can't escape these emotions, because there is no wall strong enough, no car fast enough, no ocean deep enough, no place anywhere to escape this. So you live with it, make the best of it, learn to accept it and from time to time have reality checks such as this in which you realize how much bullshit it all is. I do however know that there is purpose, though not sure of what it is yet. I know there is higher power, I know that we are not always meant to suffer so. I know that there will one day be a great rejoicing at the end of the journey. If I didn't know this, I couldn't force myself to breathe at this very moment. I don't want 'comforting' words. They only make it worse. Did you not see it? Did you have no clue how I was on the inside? How I feel everyday, that it's a struggle just to stay alive? I'm sure everyone asks themselves these same questions. Or am I alone? doubtfully. It's a path of self discovery. The closer you get to God the harder life becomes, the more you are 'pruned' just as the grapevines to make the finest of wines. I know this to be true. So as my branches are being cut I have inconceivable faith that what grows back will be stronger, firmer, sturdier, and better than I even could have imagined...
Thoughts on a restless day
You can turn off the sun
But, I'm still gonna shine
♥Oh, so vintage... 10:30 PM
