Thursday, November 20, 2003
If he brings you to it, he'll bring you through it...
But, he's quite fond of the curveball, I'll warn you of that right now. My latest 'curveball' has really got me intrigued. I can't settle my feelings on it, and I'm having a very difficult time with that fact. So here's the deal, I'm in this place with a guy that I've never been in before. Which when I think about it, is really sad. All of my adult life, when it comes to the opposite sex, I've always relied on physical attraction. Not because I wanted to, but that's just how it usually worked. I always wished it were the other way. I always wanted something more substantial than that. A girl like me looks for a partnership, not just a hot guy to stand there and look good when you want him to. So now I think my wish was granted. We've actually moved past that initial 'rip your clothes off' physical attraction (and no we haven't yet) and now I'm in a whole new world. I've found myself becoming SO attached to this guy. We've eaten lunch together every Tuesday for the past two months, we e-mail each other frequently and last Saturday we spent the WHOLE day studying (until we went to the bar that is). Things have done a 180 on me. Now instead of shameless flirting and suggestive teasing, we talk and talk and talk. We walk to class together, from class together, to our car after school together, we monopolize class lectures with our constant attempts to outsmart each other, and we recently started this whole business of being shy around each other again. I just don't know what to do with it. It's like we went from NC-17 to PG. It's sweet, don't get me wrong. The little things he does just to impress me, the little things I do just to impress him, the way he comes to my aid when I can't do something, the way I don't mind that he seems to be the dominant one in the relationship, the fact that we can't look at each other without smiling, I love all these things and I want to hold on to them forever. But, why is it that three weeks ago we were making out in the parking lot and now I get so nervous around him there is NO way I'd make a move like that. We're spending way more time together, talking about way more personal things, and really getting to know each other. Like I said, I love it.
Have you ever sat down and thought about the very moment in which you realized you were in love with someone? Life is going along smoothly and then all the sudden it hits you like a ton of bricks that you are absolutely 100% crazy about this person and you don't know what on earth to do about it. Well that ton of bricks hit me the first time I saw him, however, as we all know timing can be a real bitch. So now, almost nine months later I find myself at a crossroads. I think things are going really well, we spent all day together Tuesday and we're seeing each other again on Saturday to study. But today on the way home all these doubts came flooding in. I graduate in one month, where does that leave us? We're an hour away from each other. What happens between then and now? What if things continue to go great and it all works out? And what if things continue to go great and then as soon as I graduate, I never hear from him again? What if he and his girlfriend get back together? What if I'm actually insane and just reading to much into all the time we spend together? What if I need to just stop questioning things and enjoy the moment and forget about what the outcome might be? I wish I could, but a mind like mine doesn't work that way unfortunately. I think maybe I just have abandonment issues. I'm just so scared he won't be there tomorrow. I'm so tired of having that happen that I'd just rather miss the dance than to deal with the pain (for those of you old school Garth fans out there). A good friend said something last night though that really got me thinking..."It's only brave if you're scared". So I guess I'm just going to be brave and take what life brings because I know that he's worth more than being a little bit scared.
♥Oh, so vintage... 5:08 PM
