Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Love is in the air...
I suppose it's because it's Springtime, time for new beginnings, new life, new growth. But love is definately in the air. Whether it's new love just blossomming, or laments of love past. I've found myself caught up in the musings today. I'm inspired, although I don't know yet in what way. They say to write what you know. So I will...
I know that there have been 3 times in which I've thought I was
"In Love", none of which I now know were truly valid. I've discovered things about myself through all of it. Things that reflect who I am, who I have been, and who I will become. I desperately believed at the times I was totally head over heals in love. What I failed to realize was that in order to be in love with someone else you have to love yourself first. I think it's hard for us to unconditionally love ourselves. As a matter of fact I don't believe that any of us do learn to love ourselves until we have had our hearts broken, beaten and bruised numerous times. When we've suffered our afflictions, we learn to protect ourselves from them and learn our own self worth. Of all the times I've "been in love" I've never ever looked back after it was all said and done and said "what if it had worked out?" "what if I could have done something to make him happier?" When God was going over the blue prints of my genetic design he left out the genetic program that causes one to feel regret. I've always lived my life with the feeling that his hand was on my shoulder guiding me through my path. Therefore giving me the ability to take the things I encounter as his blessings even when they seem painful. Always allowing me to look at the glass as half full instead of half empty. I won't lie and tell you that this makes life easier, quite the contrary. I actually think it makes life harder because when you know something, you know it. There is no 'ifs ands or buts' it just is. So each of the times I was 'in love' I knew. I knew that it just wasn't.
Now I've got something different. I don't know what it is, and I've done a fairly good job not analyzing it to death like it's in my nature to do. The only issues I've had have come from outside sources that seem to trip me up due to my underlying deep mistrust of people. However, something about this just calms me down. It leaves me at peace and the questions don't keep me awake at night, the doubts don't cloud my head and the fear hasn't overwhelmed me. For once, I don't find myself wishing I was single again just out of convenience. See I figured out something about myself. I was so willing to be single forever because it's so much easier that the constant struggle it's always been to be a part of a couple. This has been so natural that I didn't even realize I was part of a 'couple' till Monday night when Maxine commented on the fact we're cute together. My independence hasn't been threatened, I don't have to be someone else, I haven't had to rearrange anything to accomodate him, it just fits. I'm not saying it always will, I don't know the answer to that. But I know that it fits right now and I'm not going to question that, I'm just going to roll with it.
♥Oh, so vintage... 11:19 AM
