Friday, May 07, 2004
She's a Woman now, but that child in her colors outside the lines...
So much on my plate right now. So many questions, not enough answers.
The job is mine if I want it. Now I've got the weekend to decide if I want it. As life never is simple neither is this decision. I've been weighing the pros and cons through a sleepless night. And this morning the only decision I had come to was that I wanted a steak for dinner...oh and that I quite possibly might be in love, or smoething along those lines. Last night when his head was on my bare stomach and my fingers were intertwined in his hair, I could feel his breath on the back of my hand and I wanted to stay right there in that moment for the rest of my life. I've never felt that way before. It made all of my previous
feelings about any other guys pale in comparison. I know it's only been a little over a month, but as much time as we've spent together it's felt like we've always been this way. It's in the simplest things from the way he winks at me to the way he holds my hand when he's driving. I've never felt so safe. I've never had to ask where our relationship stands because somehow it's just not an issue. I never knew that something could feel this right. I'm always about the challenge and attempting to create something out of impossible relationships. I had no idea that sometimes you don't have to try, sometimes it just all falls into place. So all of this thought brings me back to the question of do I want this job or not?
In January, after I graduated, I was so ready for something like this. I had adjusted to the fact that I'd have to make certain sacrifices in order to reach long term goals. I knew they were only temporary and I know deep down that if I want something bad enough I can endure anything to achieve it. I had decided I was ready to take the risks, a person only has a short time in their life when they aren't tied down to anything and have the opportunity to be free. Then when I never got called back about my resumes and nothing ever came from the phone calls, I resigned myself to the idea of teaching. I shouldn't say resigned really because now I think I'd love it so much. I've gotten excited about the prospect of inspiring and molding the future. Then this was dropped into my lap. So I quickly switched gears and decided I needed time to think about all of the ramifications this could bring. I always want to be able to say I've lived my life with no regrets and so far I can say that. Now I don't know what to do because for the first time ever I'm tied to something that I've been searching for my whole life. Things with Jason might fall apart tomorrow, but what if he's the rest of my life. What if I'm leaving behind the best thing that ever happened to me? Because honestly the way I'm looking at things right now, it's not going to be worth the sacrifices to take this job. So I'm going to continue thinking about this and weighing my options.
♥Oh, so vintage... 10:20 AM
