Monday, July 12, 2004
What a wicked game to play to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you
They say if you love someone let them go. If they return to you they are yours and if they don't return to you they were never yours. Well I let go. I left, tried not to look back and spent many sleepless nights begging to forget. Then apparently he was mine because he came back to me. So if he wanted me back why doesn't he act like he does. Is there a two week limit of time he can spend with me before I'm just too much to deal with? I don't understand how he can be so attentive, so affectionate and doting then wake up and not care if he talks to me for a week. I don't see a place for me in his life when everyone and everything else come before me. I've been very cautious this time around because my trust is an incredibly hard thing to rebuild. I've taken the attitude that I'm not making the effort on this one. He's the one who acted like a complete ass. He's the one who decided it wouldn't work. He's the one who thought I called him to often. So why was he the one to come back to me with open arms with regret? I just don't understand it all which gives me a very uneasy feeling about it. Plus I HATE being so involved in a relationship that I can't remember that I have a life of my own. I HATE being at someone else's convenience and that's exactly what it is for him. Don't get me wrong there is an amazing inner peace I feel when I'm with him. I just can't decide if it's worth the trade off of losing myself again. Where the hell is the balance? I don't think there can be a balance with someone like me. I find myself wishing for someone who's like me. Someone multi-faceted and has the same passion for life and everthing it holds the good and the bad. Then I realize that's not what I need, it would drive me absolutely crazy. I need someone to center me, calm me and help me find balance.
I'm watching the culmination of multiple projects in my life and this one is throwing me off. I'm allowing it to which is what makes me even madder. I can't talk to him about it because GOD FORBID we confront our feelings! I'm tired of guessing and assuming and never knowing with him. I need constant reassurance, it's just the type of person I am. I know I'll never get that with him. Actions speak louder than words and sometimes his actions say he's going to be there forever, then the very next day he can't remember my name.
♥Oh, so vintage... 11:12 PM
