Sunday, October 10, 2004
Josh spent the night last night, and the day today. I was proud of myself because for one
I didn't give in to temptation. I think Sparky pretty much cured me of ever wanting to be with anyone again. But, I will confess that by the end of the day my heart was beginning to soften slightly. I just never know what's going on with Josh. However, I think that helps me now because now I know that I'm never going to know where I stand. I didn't even have to wait on him hand and foot all weekend. Those of you who've met Josh will understand my shock and suprise about that. He actually even waited on me a little bit. He was so sweet last night. He slept in my bed and stayed curled up around me all night. He's never done that. We had so much fun last night even though he tried to kill me on the 3 wheeler when he wrecked it ;). We went down to the sand bar at Pruitt's and he and Jess did God only knows what while we played.
It was a good night, but strange too. I think I realized I haven't grieved over Jason yet. I haven't had time. I had no other choice but to say ok and turn around and move on. He and all his friends had been at the bar the night before and everyone wanted to know if 'we were on the outs again' to which I explained we were on the outs for good this time. The mention of his name made me sick at my stomach and I thought I was going to have to leave. I just feel so betrayed by him it's unreal. I couldn't really talk about it and then finally Josh drug it out of me this morning. I can't be close with Josh because of it. When I'm lying in bed with Josh it just feels wrong for him to touch me. Not that I want Jason anymore, but I just feel violated by the whole thing. I guess with Josh it was always safe because I was in control, with Jason I was never in control. He had too much of me. I found myself in quite a predicament because there I was last night, having a total blast with the former love of my life and I'm so turned off by men that I couldn't even let myself enjoy it. Today was better though, I think because Josh gets along well with my parents. That and we talk. We talk all the time, about important things that we are passionate about. Jason wasn't passionate about anything but cows and hay. And face it, a girl like me needs a man that can intellectually stimulate her and Josh does that. We fit really well together today, maybe not in a couple sorta way, but definately close. It's finally like it's supposed to be between us. Niether one of us chasing the other, just confortable and accepting. Maybe we've both had a lot of time to grow that we really needed. Then again, maybe we just need each other right now. God has a great nack of using Josh to teach me those wonderful life lessons. I'm not sure but I think he was a little jealous of Pruett too. When he got there last night I was giving James a hug and someone said something about us making a cute couple and the next thing I know Josh is stuck by my side. I don't think it's that he really wants me so much as its just that he's always had my undivided attention and he needs it because he doesn't get anyone else's. And face it, my attention is the best in the world :) But enough of this I've rambled enough. Time to grade papers and get on with the business of the real world.
♥Oh, so vintage... 9:43 PM
