Thursday, November 04, 2004
here I am at 11:42pm, puffy eyes, runny nose and a total mess. I went out to have a good time and here I sit, crying my eyes out over things that I'll never be able to change. Things that will always affect me and who I am, but will never be in my control. If you are reading this, and you know who I'm talking to, PLEASE give me some words of comfort. I don't know what to do anymore. I've never felt this way about anyone and known it was this wrong. I can't be with him and that the bottom line, but I love him SO much and I hurt SO much for him. Seeing him tonight was either the last thing I needed, or the best thing for me. He wouldn't come talk to us because he 'knew where he stood' WTF is that supposed to mean? The whole problem is that he NEVER knew where he stood. He never knew that I would move heaven and earth for him, he never cared. But, now he's going to sit in the corner and pout, 'not ruin our good time' because he's got something so screwed up in his head that it won't even let him love someone. He won't even let someone love him because he doesn't think he deserves it. What he doesn't understand is we don't choose who we love, or who loves us. LOVE chooses US. I don't understand what has happened to me. I don't know that I ever will, or will ever even try for that matter. I gave up on understanding such things a long time ago after
him. I hate not being in control of my life and emotions. Last night I left in control, tonight I left without my heart and soul. I don't know where it is. No one does. I feel so lost right now. I know that now I'm not scared to love. I know that now, no matter what the odds love will take me when the time is right. My God this is just So fuked up! Someone PLEASE tell me that I'm better than this...please
She was married, I wonder if he knew that?
♥Oh, so vintage... 11:41 PM
