Tuesday, May 17, 2005
I forgot what this was like
To have such an overwhelming anxiety attack that you don't even know your name. Clumsy Card House is the only way to describe it. All perfectly set up, every single last card dependent upon the other. Then something happens, maybe the wind blows a little too hard, or maybe the foundation starts to crumble. It's hard to say, but when it happens it all falls to the ground. Like a trapeze artist without a net. I'm falling and NO one is there to catch me. But then of course no one ever has been there to catch me. I have such abandonment issues it's unreal. I'd like to thank a very long line of inconsiderate boys for that mental fuck up. So how do you get over such things, and are you really supposed to? I sometimes wonder what exactly it is God is setting me up for in this life? It must be something completely hellacious because some of the shit I've dealt with in the last year has really done a number on me. I can't even begin to express my Rage right now. I wouldn't know where to begin to explain how fucked up my afternoon was. Why do I keep writing things and then erasing them? Why the FUCK I'm censoring myself for people who don't give a shit. It hurts so bad I can't breath. I want to cry and I can't. I never wanted to remember what this felt like.
So where is my Faith? I've prayed for two days solid about things I can't control and my faith...my faith is very lacking at the moment to say the least. You're losing me and you don't even know it. I could absolutely explode right now. There is no relief, no pin you can pop a balloon with. No pop-top to release the pressure. I'm completely,100%, totally....out of words.
God keep him safe from screaming voices...
♥Oh, so vintage... 8:47 PM
