Sunday, May 01, 2005
Life in a Blur...
I don't know why, but the past 24 hours have been a blur. Like an out of body experience where I've just been sitting back and watching myself. Even this afternoon as I was walking out to hang my clothes on the line I was watching my feet in the grass as if I was watching a movie. I felt the cool sensation of blades of grass under the shade trees and was so aware of that and that only, that it was as if all the rest of the world had stopped just so soles of my feet could enjoy the day. Even now as I sit typing this post, my fingers are moving but my mind is elsewhere. It's sitting on a couch in a dark room wrapped up in a warm blanket watching my life go by wondering why on earth I'm so removed today.
Where am I? Why did I spend my morning crying if I'm so detached? I've had it all together for awhile now and it was time to tumble back down a little bit. All it took was a few words from my dad that had absolutely nothing to do with my mood, yet they brought up all these feelings inside.
All these feelings of frustration. I'm so ready to move out, so ready for my own life where I don't have to answer to anyone but myself. So ready for freedom. I've been working almost a year and still have nothing to show for it. I feel like I'm running in place watching everyone pass me by. When in fact I'm accomplished a great deal in this past year. I'm so driven that anything less than extraordinary is failure to me. Not that I judge everyone like that you see, only myself. Only myself do I hold to such high standards. I've spent most of the afternoon cleaning. I'm going to pack everything up in boxes and live out of those boxes. Maybe that will encourage me to get my ass moved out somewhere. UGH, but where?
My thoughts are so random today that I'm driving my own self crazy.
Thank God for Jessica. Sometimes I think we've created a co-dependancy that's unhealthy. But then again, when we didn't have anyone else we had each other. And when all the boys left us, we had each other. It's amazing the comfort that comes from having someone who'll just sit there and let you cry about anything and everything and still love you anyway. Both of us are in such similar yet such different places in our lives. I wouldn't trade a single afternoon of our laughter or tears for anything else in the world.
I think I'm through for now, time to go be productive. Nothing like a little productivity to counteract uninspired worthlessness.
♥Oh, so vintage... 5:35 PM
