Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Life Love and the Pursuit of Happiness...
In a single wide trailer in the Trinty River Bottoms of East Texas.
It's been awhile since I've had anything to say, well anything of importance that is. Not that what I have to say is particularly important to anyone but myself. My life right now is so different than it's ever been. In the very best ways possible. I'm happy. I'm a homeowner. I'm in love. My two best friends on this earth are in love also. I've got an adorable cat. I have a great roomie. My parents are a mile away. I can afford to pay my bills and have a little bit extra. I am achieving more everyday. I'm learning to be a complete person without having Brian as the missing puzzle piece (although he is my world). I'm setting goals. I'm accomplishing goals. I'm working towards my future everyday. I'm happy.
Don't get me wrong, I still throw the occasional "why can't anyone do anything right but me" fits. I still don't really like my job. I still plan on finding a new one as soon as possible. I'm still annoyed by stupid people. I'm still getting used to life on my own. I'm still getting used to being in love with the man I knew I wanted to marry after two nights. I'm still getting used to being happy again with who I am.
I allowed myself to be so torn down by a man who by any standards was less than worthy. Then it clicked. I am attractive, I am an amazing person, and anyone would be lucky to have me. So here I am blazing forward in life like the phoenix rising from the ashes (I'm been wanting to use that analogy forever!).
I've been worried about my Mom and Dad for awhile now. 2005 was a rough year in so many ways. So much to be thankful for, but so much in our lives has changed. I've realized I'm not going to get over the trauma of Rita or Katrina for awhile. Driving back from Florida on New Years Day I was face to face with the results of a destructive force greater than any I'd ever known. I was so disoriented that I kept thinking I had taken I-10 instead of I-12 towards New Orleans. I kept questioning Brian and finally called Jess to make sure I was going the right way. All those that know me know that I'm a superb navigator and for me to get like that was downright ridiculous. I can't be in traffic anymore. I almost hyperventilated waiting on a train in Kenefick the other night. I awoke last night with a jolt because I had a vision of another hurricane. I'll never be able to describe the fear I had that day nor the strength. For some reason it stays in the back of my mind all day long every day that I was put into that situation for a reason. That God was preparing me for something greater and more terrifying that I'll be facing in my future. Or then again maybe I'm just crazy and maybe I need therapy to get past this. I never did really breakdown after all was said and done. Maybe it's because even today things aren't totally back to normal. You can't go into a public place without people talking about it all. I'll never as long as I live forget the look on my Dad's face when he walked back and threatened those people. I'll never forget holding my Mom's shaking hand in the car and calming her down telling her that I'd prayed and prayed and I had all the faith in the world we would be fine and that she was just tired and needed some sleep. I had prayed, more than I ever had probably in every day of my life combined. I'd promised my life if I could just see my family safe away from these animals we were surrounded by. I sat in the car with my dog with the windows rolled up in 100+ degree heat with no AC and the doors locked praying that the people who just cut in front of me in line wouldn't threaten my life the way they did my Mother's. I fought back the anger and tears and shear 100% hatred I had for them for the next few days and every day since. We came through just fine in the end. Unlike our neighbor who passed from Carbon Monoxide poisoning. I'm still not over it. I won't be for awhile.
I've seen my parents come together in the past few months so much more and I'm so relieved. I was beginning to think that my Mother's hope was gone and that she was dying on the inside. So I gave her the hope I had found for Christmas. I've seen her come back to life gradually and slowly through reading and spiritual introspection. She told me the other night that she had a vision and that I was a writer. I laughed and told her that was funny because I hadn't written in months. Which isn't true. I just haven't written on this thing in months. I've written songs, I've sang them, and I've worked them. But after Brian left last night I decided to read a few pages before bed and I open to this page with this prayer...
"Dearest God,
I ask to receive Your golden guidance through my writing. I ask that You and the angels watch over my writing, to ensure that all messages are from You and the angelic realm.
Thank you and Amen"
Take it as you like. All that matters is how I take it. I live a divinely guided life and I tell Brian this on a daily basis ;)
p.s. And Court no shame on the Shaolin Soccer! I just watched it a few weeks ago, I loved it! Brian LOVES martial arts movies, we're such dorks.
♥Oh, so vintage... 8:16 PM
