Have you ever asked yourself just what it is that defines you? What is your essence? What is that special spark that sets you aside from the crowd? What do you say when someone asks you "what are you?" Knowing that with this question they are implying that they want to know your profession, not your species. I bet your answer would be something along the lines of oh I'm a salesperson/teacher/fire-fighter. You know all those great things that we all wanted to be when we grew up as kids. I bet your answer wouldn't be, "Oh, me? I'm a dreamer." Or an artist, or Music lover. But really and truly our jobs shouldn't define us. I see all too often that people do allow their job to define them. When people asked me such questions it was hard for me to tell them I was a teacher. Not because it's not a respectable profession, or that reflects badly on you in any way, but because I knew that it wasn't me. I knew that I got up every day and put on clothes I didn't like and went to a job that disgusted me and pretended to be someone I was not. Although I tried very hard for awhile to fit the mold and to conform, I knew deep down I never could. I never have been able to, why would I all the sudden be able to pull off such a masquerade at the age of 23? So it was a week ago today that I put in my last day of work with the children I truly hold dear and said farewell to the phony life I had built around me. It wasn't without tears because face it, change is hard sometimes no matter how welcome. It was a day of deep emotional turmoil for me because not only was I closing a door and taking a HUGE leap of faith, my cat died, and I was just worn smooth out. For lack of a better word I'm stealing Amy's, I was EXHAUSTED. But I've never let that stop me before and I've never really let anything stand in my way except fear. Fear It's a nasty word that many people never confront, many people confront it on a daily basis, and I suppose there are a few that never know it. It was brought to my attention last Thursday that I had allowed fear to define me. Not my job, not my circumstances, but an emotion. An emotion, an intangible emotion. How can something we do not see, do not hear and cannot touch shape our lives and dictate our decisions? It's easier that most of us would care to admit or ever even want to realize. I have been told in the past that I was admired for my passion. I was reminded of this Sunday at church while we were singing in praise service. Jenn leaned over and touched my arm and told me that verse about passion reminded her of me. I instantly teared up and was deeply touched. What is passion? Passion is defined as a strong feeling or emotion. I've never thought about it much till now but this is definitely something that defines me. I don't have plain old pointless laid back emotions. I either love it or hate it. I rarely have gray area in my life when it comes to my emotions. It is always with passion that I throw myself into life. So when did fear replace passion and when did I allow this to happen. Was it one night when I was sleeping? Did a dream come in and steal my passion replacing it with this parasite? Really does it even matter when it happened, or how? The point is to move forward. We cannot change the past we can only affect the future. I was told that it was time to take the bull by the horns. That I was not in a holding pattern I was in a get up and go pattern. Now I have to face what I've been afraid of. Apparently I've been afraid of the very thing that makes me who I am. I've been afraid of my potential, my creativity and my ability to make it on my own. I've been doing just enough to be good at something without being dynamite. I've given 80% when I should have been giving 100%. There is a safety in being mediocre, or even just good at something. There is an unbelievable safety in being bad at something. Because then we know that when it comes to crunch time no one will ever expect us to step up because we've never been able to before, why should be now. I'm tired of being safe. Safe doesn't agree with me. I've realized in the past few months that I'm spontaneous, I'm fun, and sometimes, I may be a bit rebellious. I've also realized that I've been denying those things for too long and that I truly deep down love those things about me. I'm coming to a place where I'm ready to embrace them and allow them to be what they will be and allow them to take me where they will. It's time to stop avoiding myself. It's time to be who I am. Time to take initiative and throw myself out there. Maybe someone should hear my songs, maybe they should buy my jewelry and maybe they will love my photography. Maybe not. But that is a chance I'm going to take. Not because I'm ready, because truly, who is ever ready? But because it's time. So today I redefine myself. No matter what job, or jobs I choose to do in my future I will always and have always been an Artist. Plain and simple.
A special lady recently told me I was a butterfly...And then she said... "No one ever says wow, what an ugly butterfly" And this I will learn to embrace.
