MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET... And oh how I do love him. haha, well I did at one time anyway. So who's to say there's no such thing as miracles? And who's to say people can't change. Sometimes we neglect to tell them they are doing something wrong in the first place. So Brian and I have been back on speaking terms for a few weeks now and I suppose things are going well. I've been particularly unconcerned with the whole ordeal honestly. Which is good for me, bad for him. Sometimes getting over someone takes your focus from all the things you loved about a person to all the things you hated. So when you think about all these things and magnify them and scrutinize them to justify your breakup, it's easy to stop liking someone. Well, easier anyway. It is however, hard to stop loving them. Because face it, even though we don't like our friends and family on occasion, we still really really love them deep down (that is unless we delete their phone numbers from our phone books). I find myself still loving him, yet not liking him as much. The smallest things cause me to get irritated with him. Apparently my "hostility" has been a little much for him because he said it was getting a bit excessive. Personally I think I'm taking it easy on him. However, I can see his point because if we're going to give it a second chance then we need to wipe the slate clean, drop the grudges and get on about business. This is easier said than done of course because we are reluctant to let go of the things that hurt us so much. We tend to grab onto them with gusto in an effort to protect ourselves from experiencing similar future problems. I find myself at a crossroads. Asking if it's worth it to jump back in with reckless abandon and love him unconditionally, or do I throw up my guard and run like hell? Or possibly go with a happy medium. Giving him ample opportunity to redeem himself, and giving myself opportunity to regain his trust. Because he of course is the victim in this situation. As you should have already known by the simple fact that he is a man. He feels that I threw him out and never spoke to him again whereas I feel that he up and left me and moved to Austin. We found ourselves in a situation where both of us let our pride get in the way because we were too damn stubborn to look past what everyone else had done to us and allowed it to destroy anything we had left to work with. I say easy does it. We'll see what he can do and if he can step up to the plate. Since I was a little girl I always said "this is my life and any man is welcome to come along for the ride if he can keep up" Otherwise he can go to hell ;) I found myself all too quickly ignoring this and compromising in too many relationships and hurting myself in the process. So I'm pledging to be true to myself and stick by those words for the rest of my days. Well as close as I possibly can anyway :)
